New York City

Well, Phil finally showed up to give me a ride back to the office. We were just getting ready to go get a cab when I got the feeling that airport security was ethincally profiling us. We ducked into a restroom, which according to the urnial bisquit, is the cleanest airport restroom in the world. Anyway I heard them talking about us on their radio, so we leaped in some guys bag.

Next thing you know We are in New York City. 

Waiting on Phil

Phil is supposed to pick me up at the airport. I wonder what the problem is?

Airports are great for naps

Sleeping in Airports

Back at the Museum

OK, I had to go back inside because i heard about the slide. It causes quite a bit of static friction.

The Corpus Christi, Texas Children's Museum

It rained again here today, so I decided to check out the city instead of the beach. They have a really cool Childrens Museum here. I especially like the Lego dinosaur. There is a cool TV studio there too where you can make you own shows. Mine was awesome. It was about a sexy penguin.

Here is a picture of the dinosaur's insides.

I left after this because I found out you can not buy or drink acohol at the Childrens Museum.

Montreal Canada

Here is a picture of the Auberge Les Bons Matins Hotel and Stick shop. Its a hang out for local skunk trappers, hockey players and french chef types. The sculture in the background is, well, an insult to sculptures everywhere.

I'm going to go ahead and give you the short version of my trip to Canada.

• Everybody speaks French.
• Their sculptures suck.
• I had a lot to drink.
• I said stuff to frenchie about them starting the Iraq war.

Here is a picture of me hitch-hiking about to the land of the free.

Minneapolis Rotary Club

And now a quick slide show from my vacation to Minneapolis. 

First stop the Minneapolis Rotary Club. Awe Snap! that darn thins is upside down.

Turn your head a little. It actually a very nice banner. They are very nice people there doing good things. 

Pictured below is Barbie and Kelley. They have regular jobs when they are not modeling. Barbie does something with string theory and Kelley is a brain surgeon/lawyer. I found them very stimulating mentally. It's nice to meet people that you can have a conversation with about something besides American Idol.
After the meeting Barbie, Kelley and I got got really drunk and agreed to never speak about what happened that night ever again. I put in a clause to blog about it though.
This is the park where I woke up. I don't think that is my barf by the refuse canister. It is definitely not my barf, because no matter how drunk I get, I would never eat corn and peanuts in one sitting.

What the Hey?

I must have made a wrong turn somewhere. I'm turn around now. I should be home 15 minutes late.

Denver

It is sometimes tough for me to get the flights I want. I'm getting closer to home though. Today I ended up in Denver. Here is a picture in the airport. It's hard to tell but those are birds hanging out over one of the moving walkways.

This is a picture of the desolate waste land that they built this airport on. Local legend says the Denver airport is built on an ancient penguin burial ground. That gives me the oinking monkeys just  thinking about it.

Anyway, I had a beer and went out to find some old relatives. Nothing yet, just a really old cup some dude's wallet "James Hoffa" I think, and a big flying disk.

Dallas

I'm totally in Dallas!

Y'all gotta know that Dallas is full of very nice people who love a party. I stayed at the Sharaton Dallas last week and it was a blast. Went to see Dealy Plaza where Kennedy was shot and took a tour of the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium.

These bar friends kept me in stitches all night.

Right behind me is Joe Bob clockwise from Joe Bob's right is Billy Bob in the hat, Jim Bob, Girl Jo Bob, just Bob, Bobbi Jo in the scarf, Molly Jo and Mike in pink.

Airport Trivia

10.  AMERICAN AIRLINES saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad       served in first class.

9.   The abbreviation ORD for Chicago's O'Hare airport comes from the old name "Orchard Field."

8.   Apparently Delta Air Lines spends $8 million a year on wine alone.

7.  BRITISH AIRWAYS passengers consume  40.5 tons of Chicken in 1 year.

6.  I eat twice that in squid alone.

5.  Penguins fly for free on most airlines, although they always loose my luggage.

4.  Dean Martin was in a movie called Airport in 1970. They made a sequel in 1975 called Airport 75 followed by Airport 77 in 1977 and Airport 79 in 1979.  There is a pattern if you look hard enough.

3. The Mile High club currently boasts 17 members. They also indicate that most people lie about being members, because you have to pay dues to belong. On a personal note, I have been a member since  2000.

2.  The Taiwan airport has excellent squid.

1.  The personal spaceship/hovercraft will make airports into the bus stations of the future.

Airbourne for Oscar Night

So I missed the Oscars last night because I was on a plane. I did get to see an episode of The Office.

Tiny Tornado

I'm at the Museum of Natural Disasters. Check out the tiny tornado pictured here looking for a really small trailer park.

Take Me to Your Squid Bar

Is it me, or are airports just getting plain weird? Something you should know about this robot, it makes excellent toasted sandwiches.

I have to find my gate.

Fun Facts About Airplanes

10. Your seat can be used as a floatation device.

9. Most planes don't blowup.

8. The maximum air speed of a Japanese Zero is 309mph.

7. The barf bags on this aircraft are too small.

6. The world largest Bomber ever produced was the B-36 Peacemaker. Making peace or blowing stuff up.. you call it.

5. Wilbur and Orville Wright had another brother Ted. He was a lazy sumabich.

4. Planes don't make skidding sounds when they land, but that sound effect is always added for movies and TV.

3. You can't swim in jet fuel because of it's density. If you fall in a really deep tank of jet fuel, you just die.

2. Pilots can't marry people like Captains on boats.

1. The pillow and blanket they give you has never, ever been washed and will most likely just make you sick.

Over and out.

Swinging

This is Bertha. 

She likes to swing. 

She also likes to bite. 

Below is a picture of security trying to save me after she got a taste for McLovin' hot wings.

Florida sucks. I'm heading back to the airport.

Back in the States

Hey, I'm in Florida. I'm closing in on home... but first a drink I think.

Soooooo Hungry

Dang, I'm hungry. I hope there are chips or pizza or something where we are going.

Cargo Hold

I think I made it to an airport and now seem to be in the cargo hold of an airplane. I'm taking it down a notch with some Benadryl I found in here, I get a little jiggy when I travel. I think it's Benadryl. I mean I don't seem to mind being here, everything is mellow. That's Benadryl that does that right? I wonder if Ben made Benadryl? What the Hell is adryl then? Maybe it what he felt like a-drilled? My feet feel fluffy.

Duffy's Duffle Bag

Duffy is the name of a guy I saw in the park who mentioned to someone else that he is heading back to the States. So I jumped in his duffle bag. Life in the bag has been pretty good so far. It's dark of course, but I found some breath mints (which were delicious), a tiny flashlight, and I have been able to make some long distance phone calls with a phone I found. Here is a picture inside the bag.

My Cousin Vinnie

Holy guacamole! I did find myself in Germany, just like the Golden Knight said. 

Except for this is not me. It's my cousin Vincent Bugatti. He is kind of like my Evil Twin. My big, fat, non-Microsoft using, never heard of a tooth brush, sauerkraut eating evil twin. 

He and I had a falling out of sorts when his drunk wife threw herself at me. Well, she fell and knocked my plate over at a party. The last of the squid chips were on that plate! There weren't any more. None. Anyway, I started going on about things in a way that upset Vincent. ("Your wife shoes are inappropriate for this party, she should wear something with a lower center of gravity") I guess it didn't have to be that way, and I felt bad now.

I told Vincent the Golden Knight had sent me here to find him, it was meant to be and I wanted to bury the hatchet...... in his dumb, plate spilling wife's whore shoes.

Long story short, Vincent forgave me and I told him where he could score some affordable knock-offs for his wife.

I got nothing else. I going home now.

In the Market

Things to get at the market.

• Ammo
• Squid Nuggets
• Tooth paste
• Good toilet paper (not like the crap they have at the hotel)
• Duct tape
• 30 weight oil
• Febreeze Yankee Candle Scentstories
• Compass
• Toothpicks
• Ding Dongs
• Wart remover
• Wart putter-onner
• Ammo
• Bag of Funyuns
• New copy of Bon Jovi's Greatest hits
• Catcher in the Rye
• Redbull
• Clicky top Sharpie
• 6 pack of St. Pauli Girl
• Tin foil (it makes great hats and keeps aliens away while confusing the feds)

Hanging Out

This is Der Weinner Schnitzel. They take their weinners very seriously

here in Germany.

Well,

Aghhhhhhh duh,

yup ah.

Okay, I stuck my flipper in a crack and now I can't get it out.

Whack Job

Yeah, I whacked Cooper. Dumped the body over this here bridge.

I guess I can go check out that Castle now.

Me and Mr. Cooper

You will never believe who I ran into. Mr. Cooper! Him and the Mrs. are on holiday here and they invited me along to check out the local Castle. Germany is full of them. Here is a picture of us reminiscing about London.

Good times, yeah, good times.

It's weird that I would bump into the Coopers again unless.... I'm just thinking he might be Russian, or "the Russian". It's hard to believe that we we keep meeting. Maybe he was following me, and I just caught him in the act, so he's all trying to be my friend when he is really part of an international plot?

Either way, first chance I get I'm going to whack him.

Find McLovin'

I'm on the road again. Today I find myself in Nuremburg Germany. I'm in this picture. See if you can find me.

If you guessed that I am in the middle of the picture where that chick is staring right at me... then you are right! If you ever have trouble finding me in a picture, look where the people are looking. They are always looking at me, wondering about my awesomeness. They can't help it.

Erik, guten tag! B, was ist los? Ich bin sended Ihre druken Vogel zurück!

German Shoes

Chriftoph on Schmid made shoes. Good German shoes. He is the patron Saint of quality foot wear here in Dinkels Buhl. Many Germans come here to contemplate why he wore sandals when there were so many other shoe choices. Like das boots or Nike knock-off sneakers.

For those of you who wondered what 490 million dollars worth of shoes look like, check out Sarah Plummer’s closet… or this picture.

This is a very satisfied-looking German customs official Petra Lotzin, presiding over the shredding of the counterfeit Nike's. Petra is wearing some very sensible shoes, of course.

The Most Uncomfortable Seat

The Golden Knight said I would find myself in Germany. All I have found in Dinkels Buhl Germany is the most uncomfortable seat in the town square.